Talking Dog For Sale

Driving across Oklahoma a man sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog For Sale.” He stops, gets out of his car and goes up to the house. He rings the bell and the owner tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“Can you talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?” the mans asks.

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.”

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”

“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”

That’s a Smart Dog

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse tied round his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog sitting patently.

The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds today?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.

He then said, “Is there anything else today?” The dog again placed his paw on the glass case, this time in front of the pork chops. The butcher said, “How many would you like?” The dog barked four times. So the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get the money out of the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.

The first man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.

As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.” The owner replied, “He’s not all that smart. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys.”

Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog:

Many people love them so much that they tend to spoil their dogs. Others say that they don’t spoil their dogs, they are just being “pampered” a little … OK, what ever you say!

So we’ve come up with a list of the Top Ten Signs that you MAY be spoiling your dog. (Feel Free to Add to the list if we missed any).

1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your dog eat at the table with you.

2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.

3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at dinner cooking on the stove and asks: “Is this people food or dog food?”

4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.

5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.

6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family vacation.

7. You don’t care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as long as Fido has enough room on the bed.

8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don’t think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.

9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.

10. He has his own website and e-mail address.

Joke of the Day:

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government”, says Bud.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep…

Now give me back my dog.